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The year is almost gone and it is time to reflect back on the previous twelve months.  Was there anything that was amazingly good?  Was there more good than bad?  Hopefully you answered both of these questions with a resounding yes. 

The truth of the matter is that marriage is hard work.  It requires a huge amount of effort and commitment on the part of both parties to make things not only good–but great.  When the average life span was 24 years old it was fairly simply to take vows that said “till death do us part” after all that could be anywhere from 2-6 years!  Nowadays, thanks to the marvels of modern science, those same vows are meant to last multiple decades.  Keeping the marriage fresh and alive requires some focus and perseverance.  Take time to reflect on past years that were really good and note what it was about them that made them positive memories.  Then, design some reaffirmations to help you focus energy on recreating those positive moments.  Just reminding yourself by repeating ”I am going to take time to really listen to what my partner is saying.  I understand communication is key to our having a strong relationship.” can be a huge help because it raises your level of consciousness during periods of communication with your spouse.  It may seem like a small step, but it can reap big rewards.

Good luck to you and yours as you prepare to face another calendar year.  May all your coming days be filled with love and understanding.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Advice | No Comments »

I recently attended a 50th Anniversary couple for an old English teacher of mine.  I watched them together as he stood up everytime she did, and how he pulled her chair out at the table to allow her space to sit down.  They must be in their 80s now and he is almost blind, but the love is still visible between them to any one that looks.

I approached her mid-way through the celebration to offer my congratulations.  “How do you keep this up?” I asked her. 

“This?” she asked.  “You mean how do I keep loving him?”

“Oh no,” I said somewhat embarrassed, “I mean how do you keep your love so alive?”

“That,” she said, “is easy.  A long time ago, I told him something.  Just like I always had with my students, my husband and I had a word of the day.  About 49 years ago we went through a time period where we were trying very hard to keep up with the neighbors and become more important than we were — newlywed/young couple style and  I said to him, ‘the word of the day is unpretentious.’  And it stuck.  It was our last word of the day as a couple, and the most important one we ever had.  Even today, when one of us starts to act like something we are not and needs reminding, we will say to one another, ‘the word for the day is. . . ”

It is an interesting anecdote on many levels.  The term unpretentious means to be genuine, and infers that it is to be comfortable with yourself, not trying to be someone else.  In a relationship this would mean keeping it real.  Not bad advice. 

And what would your word for the day be?

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Tis the season of giving.  Have you thought of making yourself the present this year?  Making love under the christmas tree with just the lights splashing across your bodies can be very erotic.  If you or your spouse is too tired for a night of passion (hey! it can be a very stressful time of year), consider exchanging body massages with warm oils.  Maybe you will rub the stress away and invite a night of passion; but then again, just the gift of touch is a great way to remind your partner how much you care.  Slip a note in his pocket inviting him home to open his present (you with a nice red bow) on his lunch.  Give her a foot massage and feed her chocolates after a warm bubble bath. 

Do you see the pattern?  Letting people know how much you care can be inexpensive and very sensual.  Rub the stress away and spark up the fire at the same time.  Winter nights, as you well know, can be very, very cold — a little heat can go a long way. 

Love and Marriage, Marriage and Sex | No Comments »

So, it’s been a really bad day and you can’t for the life of you figure out what you are doing in this relationship anymore.  Perhaps you are hurt, perhaps you are angry, perhaps you are just to the point of not knowing what you are.  All are viable emotions that creep into even the best relationships.  What can you do about them? 

Remember.

While you are sitting there thinking about everything that’s wrong in your world at this very moment in time, push aside the negative and think about the positive.  It may not be easy, but you can do it.  Let’s try.  Think about the first time you met, the first time you kissed, and the first time you knew the two of you would be together.  Feel your heartbeat quicken as you remember that feeling.  Now, take it a step further, past the lust of the early days and remember five (or more if you want to) of the reasons you said “I do.” Certainly there was something that made you think this would be the one forever.  Was it a smile, a certain glance or the way everything made you laugh?  Perhaps it was that great desert that didn’t turn out quite right (or at all). 

Whatever it was, it still is.  Those feelings are still there - take a moment to reinvite them into your heart.  The positive feelings should bring a balance back to things that seemed so overwhelming just a few minutes ago and maybe, just maybe, things won’t seem quite a bad. 

Love and Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems | No Comments »

Wanna know a secret?  Love requires sacrifice.  Love means doing things that you do not feel like doing and listening to the same stories over and over again.  Love also may require having no hot water when you sleep in and miss the first shower.  Love isn’t perfect.  Anyone can tell you that.  Growing a stronger relationship comes with maturing that relationship between two committed adults.  Some skills, like listening, will be hard to learn, but you can’t give up.  Instead go the extra mile.  Your partner (and ultimately you) deserve it.  Believe it or not, your sacrifices will be returned by your partner and by working together you will commit your relationship to becoming something really great. It won’t happen over night.  It may even take months.  But, perserverance and trust will bring it to fruition. 

Wanna know another secret?  Anything worth doing is worth doing well.  Give your relationship and your partner the best you have to offer.  You won’t regret it.

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In a book I was reading recently about the history of marriage and love, I noted that the Puritans had what seemed to be a very healthy outlook on the marital commitment.  The Puritans looked at marriage as an extremely blessed event that gave marital partners an opportunity to not only love, but also to forgive.  In light of the ever-climbing divorce numbers, perhaps forgiveness is a concept that today’s modern marriages may need to consider readapting.  

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I have had a great best friend for 23 years, or at least we’ve been friends 23 years, and we’ve been best friends most of that time. But I sometimes forget that my husband is my best friend, too, and so is my best friend’s husband her best friend. The relationships we share with our spouses are special and different, and deserve all the time we can give them, just like our “best friend” relationships.

So go hug your best friend.

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It happens to all of us - we lose the rush of being in love, the twitterpation of having all our emotions in overdrive and the tingle that comes with just a simple glance from our partner.  So, what can a person do? 

The obvious answer is find someone that makes you feel that way and move on.  However, that isn’t always the best answer.  Instead, consider taking matters into your own hands and discovering new territory on the already charted relationship.  Test new things and reawaken the feelings that came with the period of courtship.  Wipe predictability out of the equation.  Surprise your partner with a picnic at his office, or a coupon for a massage and 2 hours of babysitting so she can go without worrying about the kids.  Touch each other often, even if just to brush by each other while passing in a hallway.  Take time to awaken the senses and time to spend together and see how much closer the two of you become.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

I used to have a doctor who would periodically remind me I was not just a mom, but also a wife.

As a doctor, he wasn’t very good. I ended up switching to someone who understood my health problems better.

As a marriage counselor, I think he understood what he was talking about.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget we need time with our spouse to talk, share, and just be together, without the kids. Watching a movie can be as much quality time as taking a walk, assuming it’s a movie you both want to watch and the kids are not in your faces yelling at each other. Just relaxing together can be a great opportunity.

Try to find these times, even when it’s difficult.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

When I ask my husband if my new jeans make my buttocks look bigger, he often looks at me with that quiz-ridden, “Oh My God please don’t ask me that look” as he tries to figure out whether or not I really want him to tell me if they do.  Likewise, if he tries a new recipe and somehow burns it beyond recognition and then has the nerve to say “Isn’t it great?”  I get to decipher if he really wants me to answer him truthfully? 

These type of questions are the labyrinth placed in relationships to be navigated by men and women alike on a daily basis. To tell the truth or not to tell the truth — that truly is the question.  After all, telling the truth is important to a relationship — it creates closeness, understanding, trust. 

On the other hand, knowing my backside is getting bigger (while it might very well be true) may leave me feeling hurt, under appreciated, unattractive, and quite literally push me further away. 

Over a long term relationship, partners have to learn to temper the truth with silence.  Words cannot be taken back once said and as the old adage says, nothing good can come from something bad once said.  Adults, mates, partners, and lovers need to recognize that negative feelings more than likely won’t last but the impact of words spoken can and often do last a lifetime.  So, when it comes to love and relationships – at least in the trivial day-to-day matters–  self-censorship may be key.

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