It happens to all of us - we lose the rush of being in love, the twitterpation of having all our emotions in overdrive and the tingle that comes with just a simple glance from our partner.  So, what can a person do? 

The obvious answer is find someone that makes you feel that way and move on.  However, that isn’t always the best answer.  Instead, consider taking matters into your own hands and discovering new territory on the already charted relationship.  Test new things and reawaken the feelings that came with the period of courtship.  Wipe predictability out of the equation.  Surprise your partner with a picnic at his office, or a coupon for a massage and 2 hours of babysitting so she can go without worrying about the kids.  Touch each other often, even if just to brush by each other while passing in a hallway.  Take time to awaken the senses and time to spend together and see how much closer the two of you become.

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I have had a great best friend for 23 years, or at least we’ve been friends 23 years, and we’ve been best friends most of that time. But I sometimes forget that my husband is my best friend, too, and so is my best friend’s husband her best friend. The relationships we share with our spouses are special and different, and deserve all the time we can give them, just like our “best friend” relationships.

So go hug your best friend.

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In a book I was reading recently about the history of marriage and love, I noted that the Puritans had what seemed to be a very healthy outlook on the marital commitment.  The Puritans looked at marriage as an extremely blessed event that gave marital partners an opportunity to not only love, but also to forgive.  In light of the ever-climbing divorce numbers, perhaps forgiveness is a concept that today’s modern marriages may need to consider readapting.  

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Wanna know a secret?  Love requires sacrifice.  Love means doing things that you do not feel like doing and listening to the same stories over and over again.  Love also may require having no hot water when you sleep in and miss the first shower.  Love isn’t perfect.  Anyone can tell you that.  Growing a stronger relationship comes with maturing that relationship between two committed adults.  Some skills, like listening, will be hard to learn, but you can’t give up.  Instead go the extra mile.  Your partner (and ultimately you) deserve it.  Believe it or not, your sacrifices will be returned by your partner and by working together you will commit your relationship to becoming something really great. It won’t happen over night.  It may even take months.  But, perserverance and trust will bring it to fruition. 

Wanna know another secret?  Anything worth doing is worth doing well.  Give your relationship and your partner the best you have to offer.  You won’t regret it.

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So, it’s been a really bad day and you can’t for the life of you figure out what you are doing in this relationship anymore.  Perhaps you are hurt, perhaps you are angry, perhaps you are just to the point of not knowing what you are.  All are viable emotions that creep into even the best relationships.  What can you do about them? 

Remember.

While you are sitting there thinking about everything that’s wrong in your world at this very moment in time, push aside the negative and think about the positive.  It may not be easy, but you can do it.  Let’s try.  Think about the first time you met, the first time you kissed, and the first time you knew the two of you would be together.  Feel your heartbeat quicken as you remember that feeling.  Now, take it a step further, past the lust of the early days and remember five (or more if you want to) of the reasons you said “I do.” Certainly there was something that made you think this would be the one forever.  Was it a smile, a certain glance or the way everything made you laugh?  Perhaps it was that great desert that didn’t turn out quite right (or at all). 

Whatever it was, it still is.  Those feelings are still there - take a moment to reinvite them into your heart.  The positive feelings should bring a balance back to things that seemed so overwhelming just a few minutes ago and maybe, just maybe, things won’t seem quite a bad. 

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Tis the season of giving.  Have you thought of making yourself the present this year?  Making love under the christmas tree with just the lights splashing across your bodies can be very erotic.  If you or your spouse is too tired for a night of passion (hey! it can be a very stressful time of year), consider exchanging body massages with warm oils.  Maybe you will rub the stress away and invite a night of passion; but then again, just the gift of touch is a great way to remind your partner how much you care.  Slip a note in his pocket inviting him home to open his present (you with a nice red bow) on his lunch.  Give her a foot massage and feed her chocolates after a warm bubble bath. 

Do you see the pattern?  Letting people know how much you care can be inexpensive and very sensual.  Rub the stress away and spark up the fire at the same time.  Winter nights, as you well know, can be very, very cold — a little heat can go a long way. 

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I recently attended a 50th Anniversary couple for an old English teacher of mine.  I watched them together as he stood up everytime she did, and how he pulled her chair out at the table to allow her space to sit down.  They must be in their 80s now and he is almost blind, but the love is still visible between them to any one that looks.

I approached her mid-way through the celebration to offer my congratulations.  “How do you keep this up?” I asked her. 

“This?” she asked.  “You mean how do I keep loving him?”

“Oh no,” I said somewhat embarrassed, “I mean how do you keep your love so alive?”

“That,” she said, “is easy.  A long time ago, I told him something.  Just like I always had with my students, my husband and I had a word of the day.  About 49 years ago we went through a time period where we were trying very hard to keep up with the neighbors and become more important than we were — newlywed/young couple style and  I said to him, ‘the word of the day is unpretentious.’  And it stuck.  It was our last word of the day as a couple, and the most important one we ever had.  Even today, when one of us starts to act like something we are not and needs reminding, we will say to one another, ‘the word for the day is. . . ”

It is an interesting anecdote on many levels.  The term unpretentious means to be genuine, and infers that it is to be comfortable with yourself, not trying to be someone else.  In a relationship this would mean keeping it real.  Not bad advice. 

And what would your word for the day be?

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The year is almost gone and it is time to reflect back on the previous twelve months.  Was there anything that was amazingly good?  Was there more good than bad?  Hopefully you answered both of these questions with a resounding yes. 

The truth of the matter is that marriage is hard work.  It requires a huge amount of effort and commitment on the part of both parties to make things not only good–but great.  When the average life span was 24 years old it was fairly simply to take vows that said “till death do us part” after all that could be anywhere from 2-6 years!  Nowadays, thanks to the marvels of modern science, those same vows are meant to last multiple decades.  Keeping the marriage fresh and alive requires some focus and perseverance.  Take time to reflect on past years that were really good and note what it was about them that made them positive memories.  Then, design some reaffirmations to help you focus energy on recreating those positive moments.  Just reminding yourself by repeating ”I am going to take time to really listen to what my partner is saying.  I understand communication is key to our having a strong relationship.” can be a huge help because it raises your level of consciousness during periods of communication with your spouse.  It may seem like a small step, but it can reap big rewards.

Good luck to you and yours as you prepare to face another calendar year.  May all your coming days be filled with love and understanding.

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When it comes to relationships, who really gets to decide whether or not we are happy with our partners?  I used to think it was an individual decision, but the more I look around me I’m not as certain that this is really the case. 

Lately, as I have been participating in holiday get togethers with family and friends, I have been taking the role of the observer.  I was hoping to find some unique insight into relationships that I could share here.  And, maybe I did find it.  It just isn’t really what I wanted to see.

What I found, is that things haven’t changed all that much from high school.  Often – too often, I might add — relationships seem to be built upon this persona that people dream up.  The fake ‘this is the me everyone likes’ type of characteristics, mannerisms, smile.  For example, my one friend Kris is married (finally!?! - but that’s another story) and so whenever he is around she becomes this alter-ego that is a cross between Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart.  Fine, I guess.  Except that’s not Kris.  It’s as if she is playing a role to please him in order to ensure she isn’t alone.  When I teased her about the reversal in her interests, she replied to me that “it keeps him happy.”   As if that reply wasn’t enough to disturb me exponentially, I kept seeing it over and over again with other couples.  So many people were wearing these masks that went on when their partner was near, and came off the minute they moved away. 

Is the media to blame?  Are we individually to blame?  What is going on that we cannot be who we have always been and who we are comfortable being.  I may not be an expert in this kind of thing, but I’m of the mind set that if you have to create this alter-ego/understudy situation that doesn’t allow you to be yourself near your partner — you are probably with the wrong partner.

We need to be loved for who and what we are.  That’s what is ultimately desireable. 

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I was talking to a friend this past weekend who noted that she had found out her husband had maintained a friendship with a girl he knew when we were all in high school.  She was livid, hurt, and all those things that make women emotional wrecks.  Attempting to be the word of reason,  I pointed out that she knew he had talked to this young lady because he shared stories about it with both of us from time to time.  Her reply was “yeah, but they had lunch.” 

Ladies, and even you gentlemen, having lunch with a member of the opposite sex is not an “instant cheating” situation.  Men and women are required in our society to have friendships and interact with one another.  Old friends, are important, regardless of their gender. 

The point of this story is not that my friend is totally insecure in her relationship (which she is) but that there has to be a level of trust built in to a marriage and relationship that allows for platonic friendships.  Sure, it’s hard, but it’s worth working on.  That level of trust is something that carries over exponentially into other aspects of your relationship.    

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