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They say that ‘7 days of laundry makes one weak’ and it can also be a source of much contention between married couples.  We all know about the age old war between the sexes over household chores.  It can be hard enough for a new couple to get used to each other’s cleaning standards, not to mention the extra work involved in cleaning up after two people for whoever draws the short end of the straw.  In the past it was usually the woman who drew that short straw and was expected to keep up the laundry, all the household chores and the cooking for the entire family.  I know, I know, we’re starting to beat up the male gender on here, just a little bit.

Things are changing and most women will expect hubby to help out with the chores now and then.  Some married couples live by a strict rulebook and even divide the chores equally between them.  While in other married couples there has been something of a role reversal of the sexes with hubby feeling happy to stay home, do the laundry and even take care of the kids as the Mrs. goes out to bring home the bacon.

Most of the time things are still a fight between the two sides of a married couple to decide who will do the dreaded chore of laundry.  I suggest that you try to do the laundry together.  Make it into a bonding activity so that the two of you can catch up with each other about the past week and just share some time working companionably.  It will make the work go a lot faster, since four hands are better than none at folding.

If hubby balks at the idea of helping you with the laundry each week, try to add the extra incentive of stopping out for a meal while waiting.  Married couples can also make doing the laundry into something of a contest, who can fold the laundry fastest?  Last but not least, if the idea of laundry sparks yet another debate just tell him that ‘Everything comes out in the wash!’

Love and Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

I was just speaking the other day with a woman about all the different kinds of books she loved reading, however, she didn’t like romance novels.  Some people have a very negative view of these romances, which I can understand.  Way back when, romances were filled with stereotypical characters, damsels in distress and dominant alpha males.  Speak in a deep voice when you say that!  Women were always called, fiery, feisty and foxy.  Men were strong, silent, and seething with raw power and anger.  I’m really getting into this post now.  : )

Things have been changing in the romance industry for a couple of decades.  The industry isn’t forcing authors to write in such strict terms anymore because they have to appeal to a wide range of audiences.  Let’s face it.  Now a days, women cannot be bothered to pretend that they are that damsel in distress.  The fantasy just doesn’t fit well anymore.  Romance novels have been coming out with stronger heroines, who all have unique life views and personalities of their own and the science fiction romance is growing ever more popular.  Lots of romances still have elements of classic female in need, man to the rescue stories but if you’ve ever had a chance to compare them to much older romances from say the seventies you’ll be surprised to find just how much things have changed.

Male characters are still very similar in some ways to the ‘dominant alpha male’ stereotype.  I think some guidelines on Harlequin.com even request that authors model their male heroes after this ideal.  Today’s male character is much less likely to pull a Neanderthal and drag a woman back to his man cave.

I can be found reading the occasional romance too.  They are very much a ‘brain candy’ for me, but I haven’t been as bad about it lately.

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When was the last time you actually bothered to think up some romantic ideas to surprise your partner?  I’m not just addressing the men, women get kind of lax about the romance side of their marriages as well.  After standing side by side for ten, twenty or many more years brushing your teeth each night it can be quite easy to get into a rut.  Even sex can be kind of rut-like.

Instead of taking your partner out to yet another romantic dinner at yet another romantic restaurant, try some new scheme.  Was there something that the two of you used to do when you first started dating?  A nostalgic trip down memory lane can be one of the greatest romantic ideas.  Go up to overlook pass and snog like kids again or spend an evening at the drive in Movie Theater.

There can be millions of reasons to avoid ‘date night’ with your partner.  However, one missed date night can lead to two, then three and eventually you can become just two people sharing the rent.  Nothing says you have to make time for these romantic ideas every week, especially if you are super busy, but even small romantic moments can mean a lot. Try writing ‘I love you Sugar buns’ in a note and leaving it somewhere for your partner to find.

Romance can be sparked by being alone with each other.  It gives you a chance to get away from the kids, the job, the neighbors and rediscover why you decided to marry each other.  No, not just alone at the local restaurant, really alone.  Try going for a picnic in nature.  If you pick up lots of traditionally romantic foods and a nice bottle of champagne or wine to go along with it you’ll have a delightfully good meal as well.  Don’t forget that highly convenient blanket and breath mints…

Love and Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage and Sex, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

It occurs to me that a lot of people out there have a rather leery view of marriage counseling.  Why this is so, I can easily imagine.  When a couple admits they are involved in marriage counseling it’s also an admission that they are going through a rough patch, having some problems, maybe even have a marriage on the rocks.

In today’s culture, something as normal and healthy as arguing is considered a bad sign.  So it’s repressed and couples start going out of each other’s ways to avoid an argument.  Meanwhile, tensions mount and eventually lead to an explosion, not always of the highly sexual kind.  No, unfortunately these marriage explosions, result in someone sleeping on the couch and an even greater emotional disparity between man and wife.  Sometimes this divide can be so ‘wide’ that neither partner has the tools to span the gulf, hence, the need for marriage counseling.

Sometimes it can be hard to see how major relationship issues can be related back to this gulf of misunderstanding between a married couple.  You can’t see what it has to do with him cheating on her or her cheating on him?  The evolutionary theory behind cheating aside, sometimes a person cheats just because there isn’t enough of a bond between themselves and their partner to keep them from wandering astray.  The bond that by the way can be strengthened or weakened based on how a couple communicates with and understands each other.

It’s not always easy to accept help and I can see how it would be even harder to accept or seek help for your marriage.  Why it would be like practically admitting fault in a relationship!!  This is another misconception we seem to have with the idea of marriage counseling.  You are not admitting fault, you’re just saying ‘hey, there’s something wrong here�.

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Commitment is a term that many people use rather loosely.  This is unfortunate because when you commit to someone completely, you can not imagine how wonderful it feels.  You’ll be able to fully love them, be with them and share a prosperous, healthy life together.  So, how can you achieve total commitment?  Here are some steps to help you to have just what you need in order to be this person and to provide this deep understanding to your spouse.

Commit Your Mind

The first thing that you need to do in order to give total commitment, you must devote your mind to them.  That means that each and every thing that you do within your day, that you do it with your loved one in mind.  For example, you may be one to see the temptations that lie in front of you.  You may think about being unfaithful.  You may see others in compromising positions and enjoy it.  By giving of yourself completely, you will fight off these temptations and find a way to concentrate on your spouse, your love.

It also means that you should strive to make each decision in your life with your loved one in mind.  That means that you need to make decisions that are going to benefit both of you, not just your own personal agenda.  You should not have a personal agenda but rather an agenda for your life with your spouse when you are giving total commitment.

Commit Your Body

It is very important to give total commitment that you give your body to your loved one and only your loved one.  This is quite simple.  You shouldn’t want to be with anyone else.  And, you should never stray from your loved one either.  In this, you should also realize that your loved one is giving you this type of commitment as well.  Therefore, you need to completely trust them and know that they are not going to stray from you either.

Commit Your Emotions

It is very important for you to have a commitment that includes your emotions as well.  That means that you feel things for your loved one as well as for yourself.  It means that you recognize when they need your support, your love and your guidance.  You’ll know when they need you and you should provide for them an amazing connection to these emotions.  Giving this level of commitment will help to connect you both on a higher level and therefore solidify your marriage even more.

Commitment is something that each and every marriage needs to be successful.  If you have this complete commitment of body, mind and emotions, you can call yourself dedicated and worthy of loving your spouse.

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Consummating your marriage is more than just doing the act and calling it done. It is much more special than that. For those that have the opportunity to do a little planning for this time, it can be an amazing evening that you both will cherish for the rest of your life. Consummating your marriage can be even more special when both of your play a role in the planning of how it will happen. Here are some tips to help you to make this night a magical one.

* Start with knowing what your partner expects. Some will want an elaborate evening while others will want to simply spend some time cuddling and being romanced. It is important to know what your loved one is expecting so that you can make it just what they want it to be. Consummating your marriage should be something that both of you enjoy.
* Next, set the mood. It takes only a few minutes to make sure that the mood is done right. For many, this first night together will mean being in a hotel room. If that is the case for you, you simply need to call down to the hotel’s desk and find out what they can do for you to make this a magical evening. Next, we’ll list some suggestions of things you can do when planning your evening of consummating your marriage.
* One thing that you will want to make sure of is that you book a room that is romantic. I repeat - Make sure the room you choose for your special night of making love is romantic. Many hotels will have a honeymoon suite or a very nice room. Book it! Take the extra cost to make sure that this is an amazing evening. Consummating your marriage is very important after all!
* Next, get the tone of the room right. Use things like candles and rose petals to line the room with. Make sure that the lights are dimmed. Maybe have a beautiful silk robe put out for your new bride so that she can relax in a hot bath of lavender water. Setting the stage for consummating your marriage will make sure that it is one of the best evenings of your life. To do this, make sure to involve all the senses!
* It is also very important for you to dedicate some time to making your evening memorable on your part as well. Make sure to do things that you will enjoy as well as your spouse. Consummating your marriage is a time for both of you to share in yourself in the most special of ways so make sure you are both pleased.

Consummating is an art form that anyone can master once their mind is set to it. Make sure that when you both are consummating your marriage that it is all that it can be. And most importantly - romantic.

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Today, many more people than ever before are writing their own wedding vows.  This poses a task for many people because they are rather hard to write.  What are they supposed to say?  What do those standard ones actually mean?  There is much more to it than just reciting whatever the Priest tells you to.  You need to really mean it and you need to go down into your heart to pull them out.  Marriage vows are much more complicated than you may realize.

What They Mean To You

Vows should mean something to you. For those that will recite the standard words, even these should be said with feeling as they should mean something to you.  If you are writing your own, it is very important to make sure that you get your point across and to touch your loved ones heart.  For example, you may want to reference something special to you both.  Or, you may want to make sure that you cover those things that your bride to be is worried about.  Providing your undying love, your trust, your honestly and your attention to your spouse will be a good foundation of things to touch on in your vows.

It is also important to say the vows like you mean them.  Now, many people get up there and get nervous beyond belief.  In these cases, it may be really hard to get across your true intentions because you really just are having a hard time standing still.  But, you should look into their eyes and smile.  You should speak to your loved one, not to those who are around you.  You should say your vows as if you are talking to her or him and there is no one else around.

Should You Write Your Own?

Will you be one of the many people that write their own vows when you get married?  More and more, people are finding this a great way to show expression and individuality in their wedding ceremony.  Whether or not you write them, you should believe in them.  If you do not want to stay with the standard words, then try to make them your own sticking to the same guidelines.  If you do decide to write your own, you’ll want to make sure that you write them from the heart so that your loved one can really feel that you have spent time on them, perfecting your words.

The decision to write your own vows or not is up to you of course.  The best way to decide if this is the right way for you to go is to realize if the traditional words that are said are well fitting for you.  If they are not, then you may want to consider doing them yourself.  Lastly, when vows come from the heart they are the best type out there.

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Let’s face it, the Leave it to Beaver gender roles of the past are no longer working in today’s relationships.  More and more women are getting college educations and taking risks that make them more employable and ultimately more successful than they have been in decades.  No longer is the woman required to count on her husband to support her.  Of course, if that is what you want, it can happen — but the point is it doesn’t have to. 

 What does this topic have to do with love and marriage?  Well, it’s simple.  Couples fight about money more than any other topic.  Now, suddenly, there may be enough money, but it is the way the money comes in that makes the new point of friction.  Men are generally raised to believe it is their duty to support their families.  When a woman suddenly makes more than they do it can have a very emasculating effect.  Ladies, while I applaud your drive and independence, it is our job as wives to recognize the signs and address this very touchy discussion with our spouses BEFORE it becomes a point of contention.  Too often in relationships money is equated with power.  In a strong relationship this cannot be the case.  Put money back to what it is — just money.  Use it to build up your family not tear it down.  And remember, it can be difficult to make changes in belief systems and traditional habits.  Be patient.  Recognize difficulties.  And, above all — talk it through. 

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I was talking to a friend this past weekend who noted that she had found out her husband had maintained a friendship with a girl he knew when we were all in high school.  She was livid, hurt, and all those things that make women emotional wrecks.  Attempting to be the word of reason,  I pointed out that she knew he had talked to this young lady because he shared stories about it with both of us from time to time.  Her reply was “yeah, but they had lunch.” 

Ladies, and even you gentlemen, having lunch with a member of the opposite sex is not an “instant cheating” situation.  Men and women are required in our society to have friendships and interact with one another.  Old friends, are important, regardless of their gender. 

The point of this story is not that my friend is totally insecure in her relationship (which she is) but that there has to be a level of trust built in to a marriage and relationship that allows for platonic friendships.  Sure, it’s hard, but it’s worth working on.  That level of trust is something that carries over exponentially into other aspects of your relationship.    

 

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When it comes to relationships, who really gets to decide whether or not we are happy with our partners?  I used to think it was an individual decision, but the more I look around me I’m not as certain that this is really the case. 

Lately, as I have been participating in holiday get togethers with family and friends, I have been taking the role of the observer.  I was hoping to find some unique insight into relationships that I could share here.  And, maybe I did find it.  It just isn’t really what I wanted to see.

What I found, is that things haven’t changed all that much from high school.  Often – too often, I might add — relationships seem to be built upon this persona that people dream up.  The fake ‘this is the me everyone likes’ type of characteristics, mannerisms, smile.  For example, my one friend Kris is married (finally!?! - but that’s another story) and so whenever he is around she becomes this alter-ego that is a cross between Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart.  Fine, I guess.  Except that’s not Kris.  It’s as if she is playing a role to please him in order to ensure she isn’t alone.  When I teased her about the reversal in her interests, she replied to me that “it keeps him happy.”   As if that reply wasn’t enough to disturb me exponentially, I kept seeing it over and over again with other couples.  So many people were wearing these masks that went on when their partner was near, and came off the minute they moved away. 

Is the media to blame?  Are we individually to blame?  What is going on that we cannot be who we have always been and who we are comfortable being.  I may not be an expert in this kind of thing, but I’m of the mind set that if you have to create this alter-ego/understudy situation that doesn’t allow you to be yourself near your partner — you are probably with the wrong partner.

We need to be loved for who and what we are.  That’s what is ultimately desireable. 

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