Relationships are a big part of what makes us who we are. We use our interpersonal relationships to define our respective roles. The main problem with this arrangement is that we are taught as children to seek approval and validation for our behavior. Then, as we grow into adults, we still tend to seek approval, only now as an adult we call it appreciation. I know, at least from my perspective, when I get the feeling that I’m not appreciated, I feel as if I, as an individual, no longer matters and my role and place in the relationship is no longer validated. I feel lonely and disconnected.

These feelings are not uncommon. The sense of disconnect and under-appreciation is a major player in the high relationship/marriage break up rate. In order to have healthy adult relationships, it is important to recognize where the defining lines of our roles are drawn and how we can validate not only ourselves and our performance, but the roles and performance of those with whom we are connected. By recognizing the roles and showing appreciation for those whose lives are intertwined with our own, we give freely of ourselves and open ourselves up to receive back the same.

Take time to notice what people do for you and give them positive feedback and your appreciation. Don’t expect anyone instantly recognize what you have done and do the same for you. Remember, you are the enlightened one in this situation. They still have to be made to see what you now know. Then, as they gain the insight you already possess, watch how with your guidance (and perhaps a bit of manipulation) they can begin to develop an awareness of the new more defined roles of the relationship. Then, and only then can the relationship evolve into a more mature, healthier one for both parties.   And to think, in order to save that otherwise awesome relationship all it takes is someone to realize that recognition of roles and appreciation of effort is a positive step toward a better connection  Surely, that doesn’t sound too hard does it?

Love and Marriage | No Comments »

I recently was picking something up at an acquaintance’s house when she said, “We’re going on our first date in five years. We’re not sure what that will be like.”

Yesterday I heard a radio personality say that she and her husband have weekly dates while their children are at a  church youth activity. She mentioned a restaurant.

Our children go to a youth activity, but my husband and I have never made that time a date. The closest we get to a restaurant on Wednesday night is picking up McDonald’s at the drive-through after our weekly trip to Wal-Mart together.

We haven’t been on a date in much longer than five years. Our daughter is nine, and we’ve maybe had one date in that time.

But the date bug is biting me. The kids are older, we do have people who will babysit, and we do have that free time on Wednesday night, nearly two hours of it. I’m planning a date. Why don’t you plan one, too?

Love and Marriage | No Comments »

While sitting at drinks with several girl friends this weekend I found myself counting the number of times one of them would comment about how their needs and desires are not met by their partner.  Over and over they noted that while their man would try to understand, he never really “got it.”  Well ladies, if you are in the same situation my friends appear to be in — let me give you a tip.  Your man will never get it if you don’t tell him what there is to get.  Remember like children, husbands and wives don’t come with a users manual (unless you count the Joy of Sex or the Karma Sutra) so the ONLY way to get what you want is to explicitly tell, show, and teach them.  Make a game out of it – a playful, sexy, and maybe a bit kinky game of  show me yours and I’ll show you mine.  Your relationship, your mind, your body, and your sex life will appreciate it.  Trust me.

Love and Marriage | No Comments »

My husband called me the other night to tell me he appreciated something I was doing, and that he was happy for me about a new situation in my life
What was odd about that was I had seen my husband just ten minutes earlier, but when he started on his way to a club meeting, he decided he needed to call and tell me thanks.

That call didn’t just make my day. It really reinforced for me how lucky I am to be married to someone who loves me enough to appreciate me.

I think that call really is the symbol of everything right with my marriage, and I do the same thing for him, although I admit I haven’t done it recently.

Just showing some appreciation can really improve your relationship, with very little effort but a lot of love.

Love and Marriage | No Comments »

I was reminded the other day of a couple I used to know. I was friends with Herb, and I’m sorry I can’t remember his wife’s name. Herb and I saw each other once a week at meetings of a social group. Every Tuesday, Herb would pull out a plastic deli container with the best-looking sandwich I had ever seen - fancy bread, huge slices of ham and turkey, fresh lettuce, cheddar cheese. And an apple, and a bottle of cold water.

Finally, I couldn’t stand it any more, and I asked him where he got his lunch, so I could go there and get one of those sandwiches.

“My wife makes my lunch.” And sure enough, I noticed he always put the deli container back in the bag and she put a new sandwich in it each day.

Herb and his wife were the most devoted couple I’d ever seen, even after 25 years together. She didn’t make his lunch because he expected her to. He would have been happy to make himself a sandwich. She made his lunch because, for her, making the best sandwich in the world was a way of showing her love.

Herb loved his wife more deeply than many people I’ve known. I’m not sure I have ever loved anyone as deeply as Herb loved his “bride,” as he called her.

The last time I saw Herb, about five years ago, his wife had been diagnosed with cancer. Two years to live. I was very deeply saddened. Herb said, “She’s not very sick yet. She’s not just lying around dying. We’re enjoying our time.”

I know that Herb’s loss was great. I also know that having had that kind of love, once in your life, really does make it all worthwhile in the end. I’m lucky to have it, and I hope you are, too. I’m sorry for Herb, but happy that they had each other’s company for 30 years.

Love and Marriage | No Comments »

In a world where approximately 50% of new marriages will end in divorce (and yes, these figures are still rising) one has to stop and wonder what is going on?  What is it about our culture that has made it okay to change mates and husbands almost as frequently as we change hairstyles?  We used to mate for life — you know — till death do us part?  Golden anniversary party announcements were commonplace in the society section of the newspaper.  Now, however, the vow is modified to be more of a “sure, I’ll hang with you – until someone better comes along.”

Marriage, relationships, love – these words all require a great deal of effort and commitment to work.  When the twitterpation of being in “love” and the newness of the great honeymoon sex wears off, there is still two people there that thought they were building a commitment to each other.  Instead of seeking out the rush of the new relationship with someone new, it is at this point where the partners have to realize that this relationship here is a viable long-term proposition.  Of course it will require full dual cooperation and participation by both parties.  Long term relationship are not all satin and roses, nor are they blood and tears either.  There is good.  There is bad.  Eventually, however, when both partners reach that point where there is full trust, open communication, and uninhibited and loving sexual participation, there is GREAT. 

Committed relationship and marriages don’t have to be a “so last Century” trend.  Instead, they should be timeless, like Audrey Hepburn.  They are something that should never go out of style. 

Love and Marriage, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

It used to be the television was intruding into the quality time of couples but in many cases that has changed.  Today it is the computer that is slipping into the relationships of many people around the world.  In the event of forums, chat rooms, and online gaming there is so many social worlds to explore the homelife seems boring and less important.  Both men and women are making emotional connections with strangers in place of reaching out to their mates.  Strangers who listen better (if you can consider chat reading really listening) and who seem to say all the right things at all the right times.  Here’s a news flash for those men and women. 

For hundreds of years people have thought that what they didn’t or couldn’t have was always better than what they did have — until they got it.  Don’t be fooled by flashy words, smoth prose, and promises by monitor light.  Turn the computer off, go nuggle up with your mate, and think about what it was that brought you to this person in the first place.  If need be, plan a night of quiet snuggling, dinner in bed, and a time to really talk.   

No one said relationships were easy.  They aren’t.  Why make them even harder by letting emotional vampires suck your lovelife dry?  Put the energy you give IMPERFECT4U each night toward your mate and watch how things improve. 

Love and Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems | No Comments »

When my husband and I got married, we promised each other we would say “I love you” at least once a day.

Almost 15 years later, days or weeks may go by between those little professions of love.

We’re trying to get back into the habit of saying “I love you” before we go to sleep. We’ve long followed the practice of not going to bed angry, mainly because we jsut don’t have that many fights, fortunately. But telling your spouse I love you before you go to bed puts you both in a better state of mind, and helps you cement that tie.

You don’t have to make a big deal out of it or have a big conversation about it. Just say I love you right before you go to sleep, and watch what happens over time.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

When I ask my husband if my new jeans make my buttocks look bigger, he often looks at me with that quiz-ridden, “Oh My God please don’t ask me that look” as he tries to figure out whether or not I really want him to tell me if they do.  Likewise, if he tries a new recipe and somehow burns it beyond recognition and then has the nerve to say “Isn’t it great?”  I get to decipher if he really wants me to answer him truthfully? 

These type of questions are the labyrinth placed in relationships to be navigated by men and women alike on a daily basis. To tell the truth or not to tell the truth — that truly is the question.  After all, telling the truth is important to a relationship — it creates closeness, understanding, trust. 

On the other hand, knowing my backside is getting bigger (while it might very well be true) may leave me feeling hurt, under appreciated, unattractive, and quite literally push me further away. 

Over a long term relationship, partners have to learn to temper the truth with silence.  Words cannot be taken back once said and as the old adage says, nothing good can come from something bad once said.  Adults, mates, partners, and lovers need to recognize that negative feelings more than likely won’t last but the impact of words spoken can and often do last a lifetime.  So, when it comes to love and relationships – at least in the trivial day-to-day matters–  self-censorship may be key.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Advice | No Comments »

I used to have a doctor who would periodically remind me I was not just a mom, but also a wife.

As a doctor, he wasn’t very good. I ended up switching to someone who understood my health problems better.

As a marriage counselor, I think he understood what he was talking about.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget we need time with our spouse to talk, share, and just be together, without the kids. Watching a movie can be as much quality time as taking a walk, assuming it’s a movie you both want to watch and the kids are not in your faces yelling at each other. Just relaxing together can be a great opportunity.

Try to find these times, even when it’s difficult.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »