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It’s really not possible to have a perfect marriage — each person brings their own personalities, histories, points of view and ideals into the relationship and both people need to work together to make them mesh.  Unfortunately, this takes A LOT of work.  It’s important to know that relationship problems, whether it’s having difficulty living with another’s habits and personality quirks or something that was triggered by a more serious issue such as an affair or addiction, happen to everyone and letting them fester will only make them worse.  Here are some instances when you might benefit from marriage counseling or couple’s therapy:

1. You’re dealing with infidelity, blended families, addictions, financial issues, differing parenting styles, or changes in one or both partner’s roles (such as retirement or changing jobs).

2. You’re trying to overcome abusive behavior.

3. You want to work to strengten your relationship even though you don’t feel like you have a specific or problem that you need to work through.

Marriage counseling isn’t something to be ashamed of.  Just like we need training for a new job, training for parenting skills or schooling for a degree, people can use marriage training to help them work together and build their relationship.

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I just finished talking to a friend who is engaged and soon to be married.  Only that may be on an indefinite halt.  Possibly permanent.

They’ve hit one of the two major differences of opinion that a marriage (or potential marriage) can face that is not likely to be solved by commitment and determination to make it work alone.  They’re at the crisis of faith.

They have opposing views on their faith.  Neither feels its right to compromise their values and mores.  Sadly, this is one of those instances that no amount of counseling or dedication can resolve.  There’s another one too.  When one person in the couple wants children and the other unequivocally does not.

While I always press couples to stick things out to the very end, recognizing that you and your spouse (or intended) do not share common ground on either of these issues is something best discovered and discussed early.  Dancing around either issue or swearing to think about it later will only lead to misery and heartache for one or both parties.

Do yourselves a favor.  Have a good sit down and see where you both stand on the issues of children and faith.  If you’re not only not in the same ballpark, but are playing totally different games, it may be time to consider the feasibility of the match.  It’s possible to move past these, but it’s a long hard road, best addressed before “I do.�

I’m saddened for my friend.  But I’m relieved that they’ve made this discovery before they’d gotten to the altar.  They stand to be happier for it in the long run.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Problems | No Comments »

My brother and sister in-law discovered that they were pregnant long before they were married.  The news was surprising but both families rallied around them and we encouraged them to the very end.  They were married in July and now on September 26, 2006 they have conceived their baby girl.  The moment was supposed to be joyful and happy, but when he came into the waiting room crying we were all deeply concerned.  The baby had amniotic fluid in her lung and she was going to the neonatal intensive care.  The doctor’s reassured everyone that it was completely normal and that every twenty to thirty babies experienced this.  The family was able to suck it up and be strong for the new couple that has seen so many other hardships through their relationship.  Although none of us were able to go see the baby girl we stayed with the two of them.  We encouraged them to be strong and told them that they would be playing with her in no time.  The moment, however, is still very difficult for them because they have been anticipating this moment for so long and have still not been able to hold their baby girl.  

Moments like these come around every once in awhile and no matter if you are a married couple or in a relationship, you must face these hardships together.  No matter how devastating the situation, you must take the strength of your marriage and hold strong.  If you are a married couple and your family is facing hardship, the best you can do is be strong for them from the strength that you gain from each other.  You must encourage your married friends and family to do the same no matter what the hardship is. 

Today, I expect to visit them in the hospital and to see baby Charlotte.  I will reassure them that the whole family is there for them and that we back them all the way.  This is sometimes all that you can do while your friends and family are in pain.  Be strong and everything will be okay in the end.

Love and Marriage, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Advice, Marriage Problems | No Comments »

Wrong.  Anyone who goes into a marriage expecting the romance to continue in the same blissful manner it was at the beginning of dating is in for a big surprise.  Marriage is not this “perfect state of relationship” that is always happy, always heading towards the fairy tale ending. 

Marriage takes a lot of work from learning to live with one another, learning how to share or merge finances, learning how to split up the chores… romance can often get pushed to the wayside when dealing with the stresses of everyday life.  This is especially true when kids enter the picture as well.

That’s why as a married couple you need to make a conscious decision to love one another and do romantic things for one another.  You might not feel like it or you might be disappointed that the romance doesn’t just “flow” between you.  You might even be disappointed that your spouse isn’t as romantic as he or she once was.  That’s when you need to kick it up a notch and pour out the romantic ideas to jump start this part of your relationship once again.  Even something as simple as a love note or a surpise hidden in a briefcase can remind you and your spouse how fun it once was when romance as easy and practically second nature.

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The situation is classic… the goody-goody girl attracted to the rebel guy.  She loves the excitement, the spontaneity, the danger.  He likes the challenge and the stability.  Can it really work long term though? 

While not all relationships are this obviously “opposite” many people are initially attracted to people who have qualities quite different than their own because of the excitement it brings to the relationship.  And, yes, opposites can stay together… as long as neither one honestly expects the other to change. 

Say you like to get up early and your partner likes to sleep in.  You like it because you get those extra few hours in the morning to have some alone time.  He likes it because he gets to sleep in until the last possible minute.  He is an avid sports fan and you’re not.  It works out because you use your Sunday afternoons to do your hobbies and he uses them to watch or play sports.  It’s a great way for each of you to explore your own hobbies.

There are some areas where opposites may not be able to make it, however.  If you have vastly differing religious views, there could be problems down the road, especially when you have kids.  If you have differing parenting views and styles, you might have problems.  If you have different ideas on how to spend, save and invest money, you might have problems. 

So, if you’re attracted to an opposite, you need to look closely at the qualities you oppose each other on.  Without expecting the other to change, can you live with this quality for the rest of your life?  If so, you have a good chance of staying together with your opposite for the long-term.

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What could be more delicious than finding a surprise love note from your sweetheart?  A quick “I love you” tucked into your lunch, to a steamy “take me tonight” missive stashed in a briefcase.  We used to love passing notes as teens and couldn’t wait to get our friends to pass them on to the object of our affections.  Where did that art vanish to? 

Why not try resuming the art of note writing?  Just tell your love whatever happens to be on your mind, whenever you happen to think of them.  Then find creative ways to slip them the notes: under the coffee cup, on their pillow, in their jacket pocket, hanging on the fridge door.  Recapture some of that youthful joyfulness, and at the same time, build your relationship with a fun way to increase your communication.

Bonus points for nice stationary, tied creatively or sealed with stickers.

Love and Marriage, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

My husband I are still considered newlyweds, but just like any other couple, we get pretty caught up in our careers and life.  We are both workaholics and this often doesn’t leave us much time during the week to do any more than eat and go to bed.  One way we like to reconnect with each other is by having movie nights on the weekends.  We are tired from working all week and don’t always feel like going out.  So, we rent some movies, pull out the couch bed and eat chocolate chip cookies.  We cherish these nights because we don’t have to dress up, in fact we try not to get dressed at all and we watch movies. 

Here are a few movies that are highly regarded as romantic movies for your movie nights:

• The Princess Bride:  This movie may seem sort of childish, but it has been my favorite movie since I was little and I have several friends who would agree.  The story line is very romantic. Wesley and Buttercup have known each other for years and they are reconnected in the end.
• Sleepless in Seattle:  This movie is a romantic classic. The story of a man’s young boy calling into a radio show and then finding the woman he wants as his new mom in a pile of letters, what could be more romantic?
• Ghost:  This 80s classic will always be remembered.  Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze were hot and Whoopie added just enough humor to make this movie both mysterious and romantic.
• When Harry Met Sally: Harry and Sally have known each other for years and fear that sex would ruin their great friendship. 
• A Walk in the Clouds:  Paul, returning from the war, meets a young woman who is traveling home to help with the grape harvest.  She is pregnant and afraid of her father.  Paul offers to pose as her husband, but the soon fall in love.

Love and Marriage, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

Autumn has arrived, bringing changing trees, cooler days and bright orange pumpkins in the patch.  What does this have anything to do with romance, you ask?

Who of us didn’t love going apple picking as a child, painting pumpkins with silly faces or snuggling under a blanket with a steamy cup of cidar?  Well guess what?  Your sweetheart did too!

What could be more romantic than going on a fall hayride?  Or possibly going apple picking together?  Is life a little nippy these days?  Grab your honey and find your way under a nice blanket and some of those crisp, fresh apples to snack.  Throw on a jacket, pile up the leaves and jump right in together.

Sometimes, being a kid with your spouse can be just as romantic and invigorating for your relationship as long, deep conversations.  So go on.  Get outside and play in the leaves.  And save an apple for me.

Love and Marriage, Marriage and Romance | No Comments »

No, I’m not talking about infidelity, but there is a sneaky third (or fourth) who can sometimes edge into a marriage and no one realizes it.

The media.

Nothing spells doom for a marriage like a third wheel.  And unfortunately, a great many married couples make the mistake of looking to modern media for how their marriage should function.  Not always the most healthy place to start.

Other than TV shows and movies and their distorted portrayals of marriage, there’s another venue that crops up often, and seems far less sinster.  For men, it’s porn, and for women, the soft porn… romance novels.

No good can come to a marriage with either of those objects injected into the relationship.  Men can’t compete with Mr. Perfect in her books, and Women can’t compete with Miss Airbrushed Hooters in his magazines.

Think about it, is a temporary enjoyment worth making your spouse feel inadequate?  I didn’t think so.  So ditch the printed material, and take more joy in time with each other.  I promise you, you’ll reap more benefits that way.

Love and Marriage, Marriage and Sex | No Comments »

I heard a beautiful story the other day on the radio, on a little commentary. An older man was walking, very slowly and carefully, to the mailbox, holding a letter written on monogrammed stationery, by hand, with a fountain pen. He was going out to mail the letter to his beloved.

As the story went on, it turned out that this man’s true love was his wife of some 50 years, and that they had lived together, in the house where he now lived, for the last 50 years. She would receive the letter in the same mailbox he deposited it in.

Why don’t we all make it a habit to occasionally send a love letter? Remember how that used to feel? Why not feel that way again, and make someone else feel special, too?

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