When it comes to relationships, who really gets to decide whether or not we are happy with our partners? I used to think it was an individual decision, but the more I look around me I’m not as certain that this is really the case.
Lately, as I have been participating in holiday get togethers with family and friends, I have been taking the role of the observer. I was hoping to find some unique insight into relationships that I could share here. And, maybe I did find it. It just isn’t really what I wanted to see.
What I found, is that things haven’t changed all that much from high school. Often – too often, I might add — relationships seem to be built upon this persona that people dream up. The fake ‘this is the me everyone likes’ type of characteristics, mannerisms, smile. For example, my one friend Kris is married (finally!?! - but that’s another story) and so whenever he is around she becomes this alter-ego that is a cross between Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart. Fine, I guess. Except that’s not Kris. It’s as if she is playing a role to please him in order to ensure she isn’t alone. When I teased her about the reversal in her interests, she replied to me that “it keeps him happy.” As if that reply wasn’t enough to disturb me exponentially, I kept seeing it over and over again with other couples. So many people were wearing these masks that went on when their partner was near, and came off the minute they moved away.
Is the media to blame? Are we individually to blame? What is going on that we cannot be who we have always been and who we are comfortable being. I may not be an expert in this kind of thing, but I’m of the mind set that if you have to create this alter-ego/understudy situation that doesn’t allow you to be yourself near your partner — you are probably with the wrong partner.
We need to be loved for who and what we are. That’s what is ultimately desireable.